One of our local employers was on the front page of the Monadnock Ledger last week regarding a $400,000 settlement with OSHA for worker safety violations. Ouch! They not only have to pay the fines, but they also must take corrective actions & improve the safety of their workplaces for all of their employees. They have agreed to get a full time safety &...
Write to Sell--Fast
Submitted by TWP on Fri 4/30/10 9:45 am
by Sharon Bailly
I’ve never bought a product or service because the salesperson out-talked me. Well maybe once—there was this Toyota dealer….
But here’s my point: in brochures and websites, many businesses try to make a sale by “out-talking” their customers. In their attempt to deliver a complex message quickly, they pack too much information into a single long phrase or sentence.
Customers are reading your brochure or website to find out about your product or service. So you want to make their learning curve easy. One company’s website stated: “We provide power delivery concept selection support.” The phrase “power delivery concept selection support” could have meant almost anything. A rewrite made the company’s actual service clear: “We help large factories decide on the most efficient and economical method for generating the power they need.” True, the rewrite takes 13 additional words. But those 13 words are the difference between delivering a message and burying it.
In the same way, one long sentence demands more of the customer’s time and effort than two short sentences. Take this example: “Customers can replace their existing multiple systems used to perform budgeting, reporting, billing and forecasting functions for tracking different products from different suppliers with one fully integrated system.” Now, here’s the rewrite: “Our system tracks every product you purchase from every supplier. It handles all of your separate budgeting, reporting, billing and forecasting functions—replacing multiple systems with one fully integrated system.” The rewrite adds just two words and a lot of clarity.
You might set yourself this task. Hunt through your website or brochure copy for more than two nouns in a row and for any sentence longer than 18 words. Then rewrite to remove the long noun phrases and shorten the sentences. The results will amaze you. Your content will gain energy, interest and power. Let me know how your trial works out.
Sharon Bailly, owner of TWP Marketing & Technical Communications (www.twriteplus.com), is a freelance technical and marketing writer. At TWP, our words mean business.